Ups and Downs :: Day 160

If you haven't noticed, I haven't been the most inspired with my camera lately. I know, right?! The weather is getting colder, wetter, and well in all honesty, I've put so little effort into my actual 'work' than I should be. Shameful.

My communication with Jeremy has been really off and on, and when we do talk, it's very small. It makes me sad. Not initially, but after awhile, I feel so alone and so very single. I don't want to be single. I certainly do not want to feel that way. Being so far apart from the one you love, for so very long, makes you go through all kinds of ups and downs of crazy emotions and feelings that I'd really rather never experience.

During times like these, I'm thankful for friends. I don't have many, and my family is all so far away, but I find the courage to sometimes reach out to maybe one, and that is enough. My morning started with my little brother sending me an 'I love you' text. That's a rarity - for anyone in my family to reach out to me like that - it really hits my heart in the best kind of way. I miss them so very much. I've been wanting to fly home (I say home rather loosely, because home is where my heart is, and since my actual heart is in Afghanistan, my dad and brothers are in line!), but tickets for the monsters and I is astronomical! It really kind of makes me want to cry.

My three deployment wife friends who were waiting alongside me have now all welcomed their men home. They're all in unique situations of course, but one of them blogged about the experience, and I just cried. I pictured the whole thing, I would give anything for that right now. I cry because my time is still a ways away, and my patience has to hold out until then. There's no other choice. Don't get me wrong though, I am unbelievably happy for them!!

After having a particularly down day, I talked to my brother about my woes. Talked to Tena a little, just to send my love. Then to Katie to really spill my heart. I feel bad for venting to her like I did, because I want our conversations to be anxious and happy in anticipation of her coming home to be with Carl and the fun we have planned, but I just couldn't hold it in. My thoughts were bordering a dangerous place, and I just had to get it out. I knew she'd respond to me, so I was thankful for her more than ever.

I made myself take the kids to the park for a few minutes after school, then instead of heading right home, we went out to dinner. I'm blessed with such great kids, it's actually nice going out with just them. We talk, laugh, play tic tac toe, and color until we eat. No complaints. I'm down right lucky! Alyx was non stop thankful for the park, dinner, and later a movie. That really helped my mood. Although I'm still feeling the slump, and am wondering what on earth am I going to do with not only my life, but a three day weekend?! Hahaa.

I thought about venturing down the coast this weekend, and well, I still might! But I'm not sure. I wanted to leave today after I picked Alyx up, but I didn't have it in me. My strength was at an all time low, and I just wanted to crawl into a hole. I hate feeling this way. I keep telling myself that I have so much time left, I really need to get my act together, because I can't behave this way long term. I have children who rely and depend on me daily. I haven't decided what route I have to take to pull myself out of this rut, but I know something needs to happen - and soon. I should be thankful for options at all. I am.

Until then... I'm going to take what avenues I need to get by, and plan my assault route for action as I build my strength back up. I can do this. I don't know what to expect or what will happen as time goes on, but all I can do is wait and see. Isn't that what I said from our very very beginning?! Yes it is, and I will. Truly and honestly.