Today was another 'hitting a brick wall' kind of day. I was good and busy until dinner time, then suddenly, I hit the wall. Loneliness mostly, followed by anxiousness, and guilt for not doing more with myself. It's been a rough road with out Jeremy. I can't deny that even in the slightest. I've taken comfort in things one by one as they come around, mostly to realize that I need to find that comfort in my children.
Staying busy is survival during deployments. I've given myself to my job, my family, even my friends for a while. Everything has timed out for various reasons. So I've looked inward to stay busy. Adventures with the kids, work, keeping up with running, maintaining our home, etc.. I find myself fall short more times than not. Mostly when I trying to keep my motivation for running up, but as the late fall/winter weather rolls in, I run inside mostly.
So tonight, as I ran into the wall and head butted it a few times, I realized that I wasn't going to be working out on P90X like I thought I would be, I really hate the idea more than anything. For some reason, I just can't bring myself to do it. Instead, I did a little research on proper attire for running in colder weather. If anyone knows me like Jeremy does, you know that I have issues with properly dressing for anything other than warm weather. I even plan on finally purchasing the rain cover for Kate's stroller.
I won't miss him any less, and things won't get any easier, but I can certainly have a better attitude and continue working on my patience. Until then...
79 days.
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